pzykotic node

So yesterday the guy who stole my bike, who has been coming around lately, ran off with something from the carport in his hand, after he was hanging out with us for a couple hours. that sucked, but at least he is in the open now. we had a recording session with a cool friend of tom's who does pretty mellow stuff. i am going downtown to load in Pat metheny in 20 minutes, and im a little sick. a sore throat, hand and foot. i had stagehand dreams again, probably thanks to being half awake a lot of the night because Tom was getting more drunk in the early hours of the morning. at least i will have the afternoon to myself. maybe even a nap. we will see.

A long time ago, when i was 17, i would listen to tool and be sad. tonight im listening to tool in the spirit of tom, who listens to tool when he is drunk. right now i have memories of things past, but im not tormeted by them as i have been.
today i helped record the mellowist folk singer ever, in tom's stuidio. that was fun...tomorrow i load in for pat metheney, whoever that is. one reason i am writing is because i used to keep a journal when i listend to tool.

So yesterday i went to the eastside club and worked for jeff and tommy, setting up the stage for z kamp. i had a lot of fun, despite being sick. i tried to persuade tom to go, but he was being a recluse. it rained all day, but i was inside. tommy has so much crap, it took 2 hours to set up. only took 45 minutes to tear down tho. thursday i have work, but no other work on the horizon..which means im screwed for having rent. im worried about that. yesterday i called julie dybbros office and got an appointment for late june...i may call and schedule a few, so that i dont have to wait forever to see her again. im excited about seeing her. i am not excited about the dental appointment i have. i need to call them as well.
my sleeping patterns are all out of whack, and tom is sleeping more than usual too. maybe it has to do with not having any work. i got to drink as much as i wanted last night, but i wish i had gotten paid, and that i wasnt sick. maybe tomorrow i will be better.
i dont know if i will have band practice tomorrow, i half hope we do and half not..as you can tell, im stressed about work. one thing that has been better is i have been dressing up a little more. it feels good. i also had a good time at the post procession party, hanging out with a couple boys and giving them a lesson on electronics. they were not the only two who were impressed by my electronic abilities.
im not sure what i am going to do about this homophobe who keeps fucking with me..i dont know where he lives yet, but i will soon enough, if things dont mellow out. im going to get a restraining order as soon as i figure out who he is. i dont think he is brave or stupid enough to actually attack me, but throwing rocks is close enough to get him in trouble for hate crime. he is pretty stupid to be shouting "faggot" at me when he harasses me..hees going to get in more trouble for that
much as i hate the law, i can use it to my advantage.

So i am definitely going to get a checkup from julie dybbro. Hopefully i will also be able to get some hrt from her, and she may be able to figure out a way to see me about that sort of stuff, and have it be coverd by insurence. merde, i hate insurance!
we had human skab practice today, and it was a lot of fun. a couple friends were hanging out and they like it. we parctised mining the radiation and a few other things. Thes fucking homophobes have been harassing me for a long time, throwing rocks at me, and calling me faggot and other things, decided to harass one of my friends today, calling him a faggot and stuff too. He decided to confront them, which worked out well. i knew this guy was a 'phobe, and he is too much of a pussy to actually fight. we took a walk to see where he was staying, since my friend had seen him at the house. he wasnt there, but thats ok.
I am super excited about going to the doctors! i want to get a checkup, but i want hormones more! we will see how that works out.
i was thinking about one of my LJ friends the other day, and how one of the reasons i liked hanging out with her so much was we were both depressed. now that im not, i still like her, but im glad im not looking a things in the dark way that i have in the past. maybe more later.

I'm considering starting to write a journal again..its good for me, and this journal needs some new life anyways. i sucked all the life out of it by writing in it before..now that i feel less miserable i should still write.
I am out of school, i joined a band, i have a sound system and a boyfriend, what else do i want? hormones. Today i dressed up and put makeup on, and went out. i got some stares, which is nice. I feel lightyears happier than i did a few years ago. i still have problems. i have a pair of homophobes in the hood that i need to deal with somehow. i hope nothing serious happens because of it. my musical skills have inproved thanks to weekly practice with the skab. i want to go to school more, but cant afford it right now.
I have been fighting some with tom, hes so stubborn and shit, i cant stand it. i shouldnt get so angry though, and there are things he says that are true. i need to make more friends. i should get out more. i should write more too.

i figure that life changing events tell me that i should write again.
i made a friend...gasp shock, and school is yet again agonizingly uninteresting. but im on spironolactone, so im way happy about it. yay for me. i still am not uber interested in writing, so this is short. but i'll think about writing.

i was so excited about this gender group. and yes it was disappointing that few people showed up. but it was still kinda cool. and its a start. before that i saw my mom. as usual, it was both sweet and intensly hard to deal with. bittersweet i think is the word.
i miss my childhood. thats all i will say about it.
i am going up to Avast! studios today, and im really excited, because its a world class recording studio, run by this really great engineer who like toured with soundgarden and all kinds of cool stuff.
next week gender group will be better. if it happens, which it had better. :P if not, i will take it over.

you want to cut. do you have something to cut with? no. in the bus. but you are warm. do you have anything in the house? maybe? you cant remember. in your backpack? you dont think so. oh well. go write

i saw Sara today. that was nice. sort of anticlimatic. thats ok. i keep having memories of my early childhood come back. all at once. stuff that i have remembered off and on, but not usually all at the same time. woood stove burning hands, socks. captain planet. a sink bath. the stairs. crystals. jammies, zippers. stories. storms, and wetting the bed. all kinds of stuff. the chicken coop.

i seem to share my expereinces on stage when i am off stage, and my life off stage i share on stage. its inverted. i dont have a stage persona. it is who i really am, and my everyday persona is not really me. its odd.

i am not careless enough to kill myself. i dont hate the world that much. my acts of frustration become acts of love. my revolution is my love. revolt peacefully. oh well. what is suffering.

a whirlwind of ideas in my head seems so short lived on paper. this is why i go on stage. so i can process my thoughts real-time. otherwise i am regurgatating things i have already thought about. its late, i have school tomorrow. alas.

its kinda nice being naive about things. it makes it easier to do things that might be dangerous. like going out en femme. there was a time not too long ago that i would go out with makeup and a dress and think much less of it than i do now. i had shorter hair, and i bet you i passed less often then than i do now. but the differance was that i FELT like i was passing, so i was more confident. i didnt feel so nervous. i wasnt afraid, and that made it so that i could do that. now, i have more experience, and its more difficult for me to go out. even though my hair is longer and stuff. i dunno. my ideas on what gender are and how i identify are changing. i am forging my own way, instead of staying in the (relative) safety of being a transsexual. i dunno. i miss being in a place where i didnt know any better than to go out en femme. i mean, yeah i got attacked more often, but nothing terrible. i miss those days. and to think it was only a year ago.

    Going to school en femme elicits reactions...and thats ok. it just takes them a while. like a couple days it seems to pluck up the courage to even ask me, "why did you wear a skirt and breasts to school last week?" but whatever, at least they are asking.
something someone from a queer support group said to me about a dream she had reminded me of how much love care and understanding i can have when i am super depressed...and i wonder how much my happiness helps others grow...does my joy or my sorrow extend further? i know i feel more effective, more creative and caring when i am sad...i wonder why that is. but this is old news. whatever. but regardless, i feel most pleasure when i am alieving another of their pain, if even only for a moment, and i seem to only really be able to do that when i am experiencing pain for myself. its a distraction in a way, yes, but also a means of letting emotion flow through me and around me, sometimes carrying me, ut not allways.
anyways, bed calls. sleep called a while ago, but so many interesting things creep up late at night...
i wonder about thanksgiving...i know i am welcome a few differant places. i wonder who will be most happy to have me present, and who would be the least bothered by my not being there...but no worries.