| a thousand years, and spiro |
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| 07:38pm 26/10/2007 |
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mood:  calm
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i figure that life changing events tell me that i should write again.
i made a friend...gasp shock, and school is yet again agonizingly uninteresting. but im on spironolactone, so im way happy about it. yay for me. i still am not uber interested in writing, so this is short. but i'll think about writing. |
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| gender stuff? egad what a surprise |
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| 10:40am 05/05/2007 |
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mood:  disappointed music: Robyn Hitchcock
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i was so excited about this gender group. and yes it was disappointing that few people showed up. but it was still kinda cool. and its a start. before that i saw my mom. as usual, it was both sweet and intensly hard to deal with. bittersweet i think is the word.
i miss my childhood. thats all i will say about it.
i am going up to Avast! studios today, and im really excited, because its a world class recording studio, run by this really great engineer who like toured with soundgarden and all kinds of cool stuff.
next week gender group will be better. if it happens, which it had better. :P if not, i will take it over. |
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| stage` |
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| 01:37am 13/03/2007 |
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mood:  awake music: triade
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you want to cut. do you have something to cut with? no. in the bus. but you are warm. do you have anything in the house? maybe? you cant remember. in your backpack? you dont think so. oh well. go write
i saw Sara today. that was nice. sort of anticlimatic. thats ok. i keep having memories of my early childhood come back. all at once. stuff that i have remembered off and on, but not usually all at the same time. woood stove burning hands, socks. captain planet. a sink bath. the stairs. crystals. jammies, zippers. stories. storms, and wetting the bed. all kinds of stuff. the chicken coop.
i seem to share my expereinces on stage when i am off stage, and my life off stage i share on stage. its inverted. i dont have a stage persona. it is who i really am, and my everyday persona is not really me. its odd.
i am not careless enough to kill myself. i dont hate the world that much. my acts of frustration become acts of love. my revolution is my love. revolt peacefully. oh well. what is suffering.
a whirlwind of ideas in my head seems so short lived on paper. this is why i go on stage. so i can process my thoughts real-time. otherwise i am regurgatating things i have already thought about. its late, i have school tomorrow. alas. |
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| naivette |
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| 01:27pm 30/01/2007 |
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its kinda nice being naive about things. it makes it easier to do things that might be dangerous. like going out en femme. there was a time not too long ago that i would go out with makeup and a dress and think much less of it than i do now. i had shorter hair, and i bet you i passed less often then than i do now. but the differance was that i FELT like i was passing, so i was more confident. i didnt feel so nervous. i wasnt afraid, and that made it so that i could do that. now, i have more experience, and its more difficult for me to go out. even though my hair is longer and stuff. i dunno. my ideas on what gender are and how i identify are changing. i am forging my own way, instead of staying in the (relative) safety of being a transsexual. i dunno. i miss being in a place where i didnt know any better than to go out en femme. i mean, yeah i got attacked more often, but nothing terrible. i miss those days. and to think it was only a year ago. |
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| school...queer? |
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| 01:21am 24/10/2006 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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Going to school en femme elicits reactions...and thats ok. it just takes them a while. like a couple days it seems to pluck up the courage to even ask me, "why did you wear a skirt and breasts to school last week?" but whatever, at least they are asking.
something someone from a queer support group said to me about a dream she had reminded me of how much love care and understanding i can have when i am super depressed...and i wonder how much my happiness helps others grow...does my joy or my sorrow extend further? i know i feel more effective, more creative and caring when i am sad...i wonder why that is. but this is old news. whatever. but regardless, i feel most pleasure when i am alieving another of their pain, if even only for a moment, and i seem to only really be able to do that when i am experiencing pain for myself. its a distraction in a way, yes, but also a means of letting emotion flow through me and around me, sometimes carrying me, ut not allways.
anyways, bed calls. sleep called a while ago, but so many interesting things creep up late at night...
i wonder about thanksgiving...i know i am welcome a few differant places. i wonder who will be most happy to have me present, and who would be the least bothered by my not being there...but no worries. |
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| Kissing Kate |
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| 02:09am 21/10/2006 |
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mood: jealous music: noise
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i didnt really kiss her. i didnt even speak directly to her. but she was cool anyways. i am talking about going to Evergreen and listening to Kate Bornstein, auther of 'My gender workbook' and Gender Outlaw...listening to her speak. i could have talked along with her for a lot of it, just because she was reciting from her books, but she said a lot of interesting things...she has a new book out, 101 things to do instead of commiting suicide...i think ill get it sometime. Kate....was differant than i saw her in her writing. it was sort of like the differance between the way you see someone online and in real life. its so easy to imagine someone as being exactly what you want, online. in real life, Kate was differant. she was real. she was imperfect and it made me sad. what also made me sad was that she had a bunch of young groupies around her. in my perfect world of imaginiation, no one would have been around her and i would have got her undevided attention. instead i kind of hovered on the outer edge of this group of like 7 people afterward and felt kind of sad. i had worked at the theater until 8, went and saw kate, and then i went back to the theater and worked until 2...thinking about kate. i loved her in a way...she was the first real genderqueer that inspired me...i learned a lot from her and that made her my hero. and seeing her showed me that...she was human. it might sound selfish..i dunno. all i know is that she is still a way awesome person...just more rough than i expected. she was radical in ways that i didnt expect, and didnt mention the things that i thought she would be most adamant about...most radical about.
i thinki know why i feel sad about her..its because she didnt care about me. im not any more special than anyone else there to her. there is no reason for me to be, but i would like to be. |
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| psychosis |
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| 09:14am 20/10/2006 |
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mood: fuck! music: Sol Creek
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after forever, it seems cold to be writing again. i have to pee, and i have to rant.
so the other day i went into JC pennies and got my bra size measured...i was so nervous, but it turned out really sweet (im a 32C) (C being when i have breast forms on) and i went to target and bought a couple bras, so now i can wear breasts all day, and they dont sag, and make me look like a cow. :P not that i would make much of a cow, im way to skinny :P
i...feel horrible because i saw my mom today and saw how crazy she is right now...she was all talking about being "special forces" and under cover, and something about using huge, thick rubber bands to suffocate people...and being totally serious. about all of it. i get so sad and mad and feel so helpless when i see how much drugs and bipolar disorder and other stuff screws her up. and i cant change anything. and i know it isnt anything super new. but its fresh stuff...and so today i was feeling all down and i went to Gendersmash and talked a bout how small things like bra sizes and big things like a group of olympia's genderqueer getting to gether made me so happy. and it does. and i talked about other stuff, but nothing really ab out my mom, because i am afraid that i would get hurt if i said specific things about my mom, especially true things.
my friend is the sweetest person ever...and i am sometimes jealous of other people getting her attention, and that other people know how amazing she is...sometimes i wish i were the only person who knew how special she was, and could have her attention all the time...and its wierd because i like never have felt that before, and its not bout,like phyical love, or anything...its something else. anyways, she is the sweetest most beautiful smart charming wonderful great person ever!
and im super tired because i have been up since 5:25 (and its 2:30 the next day) and at school, i did tech stuff for this disabilities awareness day, so i was cueing CDs and DVDs all morning, and watching people in wheelchairs and with down syndrome dance and things...which was way interesting, but kinda demanding. and then gendersmash,after a theater meeting, where we did some cool things. anyways, a long tough day
and i love...i love. and care
Lyra |
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| tune |
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| 03:15am 25/08/2006 |
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mood:  blah music: ramones
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i was reading my old journal..like the one i have on paper..and it occured to me that none of that stuff is any less relevent now...just that it is like seeing it from a slightly differant perspective. i had to say goodbye to a friend. goodbyes are troublesome. i saw that i have not given as much attection to some of my friends as i should, and that sometimes i get caught up in what seems to be molasses, and i like molasses. i looked, and i saw that despite not really having done anything that would be considered "transition" i still can pass sometimes..thats way cool. i started a differant journal, but i neglect that one too. alas.
oh yeah and i have been playing bass and guitar...its cool. |
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| sandals |
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| 03:13am 01/07/2006 |
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mood: usual music: jack straw
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of distractions, human distraction is most potent.
physical trauma is only a real threat when it threatans the mind, either by threataning death or making the mind inate. otherwise, what real loss is damage to the body? for true growth comes through de[pth of understanding.
todayt i went to the library and looked for the DSM IV, but instead checked out a book on cutting. then i went and spent the night with a boy whose values, while i respect his, do not mirror mine. we watched "the devil wears Prada" which is a total chick flick, about this girl who is hired by Runway! magazine, and is forced into this lifestyle where fashion is everything. she eventually loses her boyfriend for a time becuase she becomes so wrap[ped up in the whole thing for a while. it was a good reminder at how much influence that shit has on so many girls.
after the movie we drove around and eventually went to a cemetary where he was all kissing on me, and then we went to his house, where we watched some of latter days, and he pawed all over me again...anyway, then i got home.
such is my day...oh yeah, as we were driving home, we passed the motel where i last saw my mom's ex...and a friend of the family and the editor of the evergreen freee press...the last time i saw him where he and my mom were freebasing, and doing a bunch of mushrooms and shit, before a week later i got sent to the institution and learned that he had been stabbed and cut up into little pieces and shit...
anyway, that sucked, and it was not the best mood-alterer. but such is life |
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| nipple |
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| 02:35am 27/06/2006 |
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mood: dysphoric music: gaurd rail
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what somber eyes show, when one looks upon nother? the emotion conveyed to another is only as potent as the other can relate. if one has no basis to perspect, one cannot veiw a person's suffering as important. the tarot reader may understand without being there but only becasue ze has a conduit that cna relate on all levels.
i guess what i am trying to say is that i feel like when i try to talk to someone i feel like either my emotions change, in that i start to feel like i am no longer feeling it all...i feel like talking to someone often dilutes whatever i was feeling. i fell like talking to some people is an excersise in futility- a lot of people i feel like i need to be able to relate to them in order to really feel like i am getting across. i dunno. right now i feel like all of the things i am feeling are things that i dont know what to do about, and what is the right thing to do. i really feel like i want to escape. but i dont know how to escape without hurting someone else, so i dont think i can. but such is life- you cant alwasy run, and if you do someone will always miss you. |
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| voice. |
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| 02:01am 25/06/2006 |
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mood: breakable music: darker my love
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the reason i write is because i hate my voice. it has so many things init that to me seem like have these chains attached to it...thats why i write rather than speak. how ironic that words would be my medium. sucks that i dont have the skils, artistic skills, that woulod enable me to express in other ways. alas.
what comes of being here, now? i mean, the sensory sensations that are what make up this existance, this form of life, they cause response. the whole cycle, this whole Path, as it were, is something that is guided, i think? its like, what comes of it? suffering...certainly, also joy, but while yes i can gain permanant undrestanding from joy, so can i gain it from sadness...and for some reason sadness is more impacting.
i guess what i mean is that as i was sitting here i felt this rush of 'all thesse things that i see, hear think i understand, feel, want...they move me, but only to effect what i feel i want. i dont want or need the body i have. i dont like it. i dont like some of the other characteristics, either. what i need is to feel outside of all of that. i dont have control of myself when my body tethers me to ground. i dont feel free when i cannot devine concious from just my spirit, or mind. i truly feel like my spiit Is my mind. its the only thing i really get.
what essence may come of this? |
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| 01:58pm 22/06/2006 |
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mood: exanimate
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i guess this diary is effectively dead, seeing as i never update it anymore...but then i hardly ever update any of mine...i dunno part of it is that i dont have internet access of my own anymore, and i dont like Tom's laptop, so yeah...
the Butterfly Effect is such a depressing movie...tom was watching it when i came in one night, and i stayed to watch it until 4 in the morning. its so sad. that kinda set off the emotional week that i had, that basically is sticking with me...that and my mom, and this guy from my past who confronted me after gendersmash and told me that the things i said onstage that "i'm not being Real". that hurt a lot. its like the things i say there are the things i have written, only off the top of my head and in differant words.
Pride was fun until i got home and then had to like pick up my mom out of jail and stuff...she is so messed up, and now she's all skipped bail. grr. that doesnt help any.
anyway, nothing elsee for now. maybe i will get internet and i will start writing again. |
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| of the speare |
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| 12:13am 08/05/2006 |
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mood:  cold music: beatles i guess
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ok so it has been forever. i am nt totally sure why, but i guess just because i have not been online all that much. i guess thats good. i miss it though
my memories catch up with me when i stress about my mom, or pat, or about my identity. i was really feeling like i was unsure if i really wanted to like follow through with...i dunno gender stuff. i mean, i get envious of jsut about every girl that is remotely attractive, and i get sad that i cant freely be a girl...and its becaues i dont have 18 years of gender cues, expectations, actions, and of growing up as a girl, so i am so fucking used to being a boy. its not that i really enjoy it, although there are some times when i like the ability to do really 'masculine' things and act all boyish..but i still get sad when i see a bunch of girls together...at the same time i really feel like a lot of the carefreeness that i see mostly in girls would be lost on me regardless just because of the experiences i have had. i mean, i would be one serious girl. or rather, i feel like i am..sometimes. i fluctuate between having fun being all boyish and masc, feeling like i really want to be a girl, and really feeling like i AM a girl. it all changes, depending on where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and like how i feel at the time.
lately i have been like doing school and working when i can doing stuff like managing stage at the capital theater, and doing stuff for a local music place...but i still have plenty of time when i am like on the bus and i will be really pensive..i have a hard time differentiating between when my being 'pensive' and 'discontent' and being depressed. i mean, its like always up and down.
i got asked if i wanted to be a RollerGirl for the olyrollers, a skating thing (just like she was giving me a flyer)..i am not into skating, so i wont do it, but i would be an Anything Girl. thats how i feel really.
ok i should sleep..its like 12:30 and i have school. i will write more, i think. stuff goes on... |
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| birthday boigrrl |
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| 10:49pm 17/04/2006 |
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mood:  crazy music: shock treatment- the ramones
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mmod swings dont make me so much sad as they amplify the emotions i am already having..i mean, i cant be sad just because i am now sad...but i can be more sad. just as i can be more happy as a result of a upward moodswing. anyway. yeah.
my birthday was a wide range of emotion, though almost all of it was good. i was so happy that i got to see my sister, and hang out. it was great. i got some cool things from cooler friends. like German Chocolate. on saturday i went to a gay prom..my one and prom for highschool, really. so ends my school life. anyway, it was ok. i also went and talked to the sound person at the manium, and he really is interested in letting me get some of their equipment fixed, and he thinks i could maybe start doing sound there. i am really psyched about that.
sunday was funky..but ok. i went out with tom to go to easter brunch with his (amazingly straight, christian) family. i wore my flare jeans, a pink down jacket, and my pink shoes. i hope i made a good impression. actually, i did. they were really nice, and i didnt get any stares or glares. i did get a chocolate bunny though.
after we left, tom told me that my being there, and out, and proud, and nice, really outed him. which means that it has changed the dynamics of his relationship with his family...but i think it is ok. i am in a lot of ways glad to have facilitated that.
and then things went down. sunday night, i was on this net game, which means that i can interact with real people, although only on an anonymous level, which i really like. anyway, this person on there decided a while ago that i was not really a girl..and decided to call me on it. so now most of the players are Sure that i am some guy trying to pretend to be a girl for watever reason they care to imagine. and yeah this hurts. i mean, htis place was one of the few places i am able to really interact and be myself, and be percieved as a girl, and this fucks that up. its really one of the only places that i sometimes feel really comfortable. and so now i have some choices..i could start over...i could tell them all exactly what the fuck is going on, and i could say goodbye..and not come back..or i could say goodbye and come back, only with another name..or i could jsut stay there and have half of the players think that i am some guy pretending to be a girl..none of these i really like. its something that yeah maybe it seems like it wouldnt matter, i can shrug it off..but i cant. its really something that is important to me.
but then so is gendersmash, and they are demanding a lot. i think i dealt with it but that does not meant that i am not bothered and mad nd sad that i cant get any trust from them, despite having already gone there for at least 5 months. its all about my past..grrr.
so with that i got up for school this morning...it was not bad. but my sister gave me a book..Running With Scissors..the memoir of a gay by who grows up with a mentally unstable mother who gets progressively worse..and he goes to live with a highly eccentric psychologist, who allows him and the other 5 children to literaly do what ever they want..because he believes that people have the right to do what they want. and so he grow up in this house..and things happen. not necesarrily bad things, but it is all kind of sad, and very intense. i got a lot of intense feelings out of this book, and though i highly recommend it, i am really pensive about it.anyway, that is part of what is going on. today i went to school and listened to the teacher talk about how electrons and protons are like men and women...how men repel men, and women repel women..and how opposite forces attract..and i was thinking that even were that true, i would Still be excluded, becasue i am not an electron or a proton..and so on top of my already down emotions, i added this..so i walked out for 10 minutes.
so yeah...emotion. always never ending sometimesgod often bad intense powerful emotion. it makes me want to do things to gain a little control. i have these thoughts about so many things...and al kinds of things trigger all kinds of thoughts. today on the bus, was a mini gender spaz- this woman was talking about how she was about to give some money to this boy..but this guy beat her to it..and so she was talking about how she was no gentleman/..more of a gentle woman..and went on for a minute or so about this identity of hers..making sure that everyone knew that she was a girl.
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| 10:16pm 17/04/2006 |
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| You Are a Dreaming Soul | 
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul |
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| 09:53pm 17/04/2006 |
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| You Are 64% Evil | 
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot. |
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| Lydia |
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| 11:39pm 05/04/2006 |
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mood: contemplative music: PennyRoyal Tea..Nirvana
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life requires much thoght. it always seems to for me. this week has been....well its been hard because i have been processing things, and have been given new things to process.
i watched 'The Professional' about a week ago..and it was really intense. it's about a girl whose whole family is killed by this really bad DEA agent and how she is adopted basically by this hitman, and she seeks revenge on this agent. what i really got from the movie was not the fact that yeah there is violence, and some other stuff...but it was a story that really touched me. the whole point that i got was that this girl was mourning over her little brother, and how she was a really beautiful person, that had suffered this. i really felt like the whole situation was so....profoundly sad. it was really amazing. i cried at the end of that too. it got me thinking about how when you are young, things that happen to you really shape your lfe, and change your outlook. i was thinking about how so many kids are 'Lucky' that they dont have to deal with things that are near that hard..beit death, or something extreem like that, or whether it is drugs and homelessness, or family, or internal stuff...any of it. they dont have to deal with it, and so they can grow up believing that the important things in life are what you can get, and what you have....but it is differant thatn if one has dealt with seriously messed up stuff...because those experiences when they are had especially young change things. it changes how you look at the world, and what your priorities are. and i think that that can be a good thing. yeah you always hear "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger" well that is sometimes true..usually not, but i t can. i see people who i know have gone through tough things, and theya re usually the most mature people in the room. they know what is up and their priorities are usually in what i think is the right place. anyway, thats my take on it.
i have been thinking about that movie since friday..and i am glad i saw it.
tonight i went to a meeting..and one of my friends was talking about his depression..and how he was using crystal meth. that really...it bothers me because it is so close to home. i did what i could for him..i wanted to make sure he had a place to stay, since he would have been on the streets otherwise, and he had not eaten in day so i bought him some food..like 5 dollars worth..but i couldnt get him a place..so he saw a friend and walked off with him..i really just hope it is not the same folks that gave him the stuff...anyway that whole scene is stuff that i really feel strongly about..so i am feeling..pensive, and sad, since i really care about them..you know? anyway..thats whats up with me right now. i got the history textbook, and i think i might get the boots...i dunnow what i want other than the gray's anatomy book, for my birthday. maybe a haircut or some jeans..since i dont have enough pants. |
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| 09:57pm 28/03/2006 |
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mood: contemplative music: the ramones- something in my drink
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i am testing out a new plugin for my web browser. it lets me add entries without logging in, so i can do other stuff. how nice
being sick is no fun, but it seems to be leaving. sara is back, and i am glad of that. but goings on in olympia are so two sided...a week and a half ago i got to work and perform for stonewall at a drag show. that was so much fun..but so much work.i set up the stage, and helped the stage manager do all the preperation, then i did lights all night, and made sure all the techical stuff backstage was done..and i helped coordinate the performers and what they needed..and then i performed. i talked, as usual.
i feel really bound down right now. i really want to travel, and i want to be free. its like, i really dont mind being homeless, if it meant i didnt have all the legal stuff. i can give all the stuff i have up. aside from a few books. i really miss traveling, and being able to be free from all that responsibility. on the other hand, i really miss traveling to asia and stuf, and i know that takes money. so its like i feel like i am stuck in the middle, with no money but responsibilities
i dont know yet what i am going to do with my BD...probably have tracey and sara and maybe a couple others for pizza..but i dunno. there is this pair of doc martin combat boots that are worth prolly 300 dollars at a store for like 50 bucks..i am debating whether i really want them. what i really want are a good world history textbook, a gray's anatomy textbook, and a new hairbrush (arent i easy to please. i am unsure of what i want that matters a lot to me.)
anyway, aside from seeing my mom screaming at various figures in the middle of downtown and being drunkenly hysterical, things are ok. no emotional crisis..though i seem to cry more when i am sick.
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| album names |
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| 07:18pm 14/03/2006 |
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mood: melancholy music: poor teenagers..punk
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i can never remember album names..or more accurately, i never get records with album covers so i never learn what album they are.
my mom called. she wanted to know why i dont see her anymore. i didnt tell her it was because i cant bear to see her all messed up on meth and coke and liquer. instead i told her that i missed her too and that i didnt make it downtown much anyway. she wants to see me on the weekend. so none of the things i have had going through my mind are not dealt with. indeed they are only beginning to come to a head.
this weekend not much happened. we didnt really go anywhere. we watched a few movies. i got a book..the works of shakespeare,and thats about it. oh and yeah my mom called. i am sick. ooh fun. i am thinking about what i will talk about on saturday at the drag show. i am performing you know. i will speak, just as i do at gendersmash. i have not prepared. i never do. i am not nervous, although slightly scared that i will be onstage and no words will come. oh well. i still need therapy. treatment does little in the way of mental health. i need something that i can express all these things and get some support. i write, but i also fear adding burden onto your shoulders. its hard enough for me, and adding it to you doesnt really help alleviate that. tom thinks i should confide more in you...maybe so. maybe i am not ready. i fear restriction- a further lack of control. i feel like i have little control in my life. i feel not that it is monotonous, yet i feel stagnant. i feel like what i do makes little impact..or impacts in a negative way. oh well how about that. yes, i could just pay attention to the positive. i could think about the great things in my life. wouldnt that give me perspective. i could think of that when i have thoughts about my mom . i am only beating a dead horse right? i cannot change that situation..that does not mean i have any less intense of a need to. to care, to love, to feel the sting of seeing a loved one tear herself...i should write poetry. but alas i cant. no talent. this was originally an opendiary letter..or perhaps i made it one. either way, it is a little unfit for this journal..so much the better for the other. the darker. if i look at the positive, perhaps i distract for a time from the things i feel bad about. the things i agonize over. the things that matter. to me, at least. i do not discount your advice..i also take into account my feelings. for i do have all these, and i give voice to them. i can write about...something that made me smile..like....conversation i had with a friend. and that sara is back..i could distract for a moment. but the things i see as important. the things that move me. the things that give motion to my words..those are not light. not bright. for what does tearing out my emotion from where it lies in order to deal with it do? you say nothing. it hurts me. maybe so. but maybe i cannot let it go. saturday, this will be doubly so. for then i speak out. yet again. about what, i dont know. grr i wish that writing to others would convey the tones n which i speak...it would help so much. oh well |
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olyra's journal
